S.E.R.V.E – R is for Relationships 3

Last time I spoke on this series we looked at the principles of loving one another, what our love for one another should show and how we can be practical about it.  Previously we looked that the church as a family and how we should act towards each other.

Today we’re going to look at something very practical.  Communication.  This might seem so basic that we’ll switch off but actually putting into practice what we learn in the Bible will actually help in church and in the workplace.

Everyone needs someone to talk to and to be listened to, too.  We cannot go through life entirely isolated.

But words, the simplest things we use every day, can become the most divisive or confusing.  It is said that the use of expletives is due to an underdeveloped vocabulary 

And then there is cross cultural communication.  We see this across nations but also between the church and the not-yet-saved.  Our words, even though they are every day words, can be confusing.

When I lived in RSA and I was getting to know Barbie’s family I hit communication problems all the time initially.  One of the earliest ones was when I asked Barbie for something and she said, “I’ll get it now.”  In British English the word now means, well, now.  It’s immediate.  A while later nothing had happened.  Odd I thought.  So I ask, “Honey, tell me where it is and I’ll get it.”  She replied, “Don’t I’ll get it now-now!”  Now-now?  I came to learn that ‘now’ meant ‘I’m going to do it but it could be anything from five minutes to an hour,’ and now-now meant ‘right now, immediately.’

Words and how they are used are different from family to family, church to church, county to county, nation to nation.

James 1:19-27:  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.  Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

This morning, this message is for you.  How do I know this?  Because verse 19 says it is for everyone.  This morning, we are going to glean three tips from this Scripture in order that we may be more effective communicators.

1. Be Quick to Listen.

If we want to be understood by others then the first thing we need to do is to understand others.  People will listen to us if we listen to them!

You know for a fact that your husband is not always listening – especially if the TV is on.  I am guilty of it myself. 

People are generally not good listeners.  They either are just hearers or they are busy planning what to say next.

Have you ever played that game, Chinese Whispers.  I am not sure why it’s called this, but one person has a message whispered in their ear and then they pass it along the line until the message is repeated by the last person out loud.  Normally this message has changed in some considerable, and often funny way.

So, what happened to the message? It changed just from traveling through a few sets of ears.  The reason is this: It is really hard to be a good listener. It requires a good deal of effort by the person who is hearing the words.

Most of us have no problem hearing.  We can audibly hear the words that other people are saying.  We can grasp the syllables and words and sentences that come out of their mouths. But, there is a big difference between hearing and listening.

Hearing involves just the ears while listening involves the heart.

Too many times, we do not listen because we do not think that the words our friends and relatives speak are of great worth.  When we start to treat them as unimportant, then we can become distracted by other things going on or what we are going to say in response.

We are to put others needs and desires in front of our own.  This means we need to listen intently to what they say and talk later.

Proverbs 18:13: “He who answers before listening, that is folly and shame.”

A lot of times when we are listening to someone they actually don’t want solutions.  They just want to be heard. 

Jesus’ phrase, “He who has ears let him hear…” which occurs 15 times in the NT, is repeated for a reason!  When we listen the message begins the journey from our head to our hearts.

Treat other people with the dignity they deserve.  Listen.  Treat their words like life and death for these minutes.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God.”

Being quick to listen is the most important part of communication.

2. Be Slow to Speak.

You may have heard some of these before, but nonetheless, they are funny.  Apparently these are extracts from court records and show that those quick to speak often mess up (notice the effective listening too)

Lawyers speak:

• Question – Were you alone or by yourself?

• Question – Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

• Question – You were there until you left, is that true?

• Question – Can you describe the individual?

Answer – He was about medium height and had a beard. Question – Was he male or female?

• Question – Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Answer – All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

A young man once approached Socrates to ask if the philosopher would teach him the gift of oratory. His request was then followed by an incessant stream of words until, finally, Socrates placed his hand over the inquirer’s mouth and said, “Young man, I will have to charge you a double fee.”  When the fellow asked why, Socrates replied, “I will have to teach you two sciences. First, how to hold your tongue, and then, how to use it.”

We love to talk don’t we?  We love to give advice.  It’s even worse with Christians because we’re the ones with revelation and gifts of wisdom, knowledge, and prophecy.  We also like to punctuate our language with, “God has told me…”  When someone says this they are not expecting a response other than acceptance, even if it’s a bizarre proposal.

Can I suggest two reasons why we might be slow to speak? 

• Be prepared to be tested:

Everything needs to be tested, including the “Thus saith the Lord” utterances (1 Thess. 5:21). 

Over the years people have got upset with me when I have tested the prophetic punctuation of their language.  I ask, “if God has told you do you mind telling me how He told you?”  This upsets folks who don’t actually believe that God can stand by His word, or in fact, has not said anything to them at all!

Ultimately we like the sound of our own voice:

James 3:6:  The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

Our tongue and the words that roll of off it have tremendous power to do great harm. 

• Engage brain before opening mouth.

That is part of what it means to be slow to speak. 

One commentator has put it this way: “Men have two ears and but one tongue, that they should hear more than they speak. The ears are always open, ever ready to receive instruction; but the tongue is surrounded with a double row of teeth, to hedge it in, and to keep it within proper bounds.”

We should keep a tight rein on our tongue so that we can spend the proper amount of time listening.

Know what you are going to say before you say it. Then, ask yourself if you really want to say that?

Proverbs 13:3: He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

3. Be Slow to Become Angry.

James 1:19 concludes by telling us to become slow to get angry. 

Why? Because things said in anger are really hard to take back, to recant, and to make right. 

Anger destroys all the natural filters that are there.  It unleashes frustration indiscriminately – in other words the frustration felt about other issues become directed at an individual even if it is not verbalised that way.

Anger is poison to relationships and to communication.  It blinds us to the needs and wants of others.

We are given many warnings of having a short temper.  In Proverbs 14:17 tells us that: A quick tempered man does foolish things.

Proverbs 15: 29:  A hot tempered man stirs up dissension.

I think it is plain to see that it is not good or beneficial to have a short fuse.

So, what do we do?  Well, it is in our control.  We cannot control what others say or do, but we can always control how we respond.  When things get heated, commit yourself never to escalate.

When we are told to be slow to anger this is not an excuse to simmer for months!  Some think it is, but that’s not the way to be slow to anger. 

To be slow to anger is a metaphorical use of the word slow.  Another way of putting this is:

Ephesians 4:2: Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love

You see to be slow to anger is not permission to be angry under the surface, or to blow up every now and again.  It’s a command not to damage others!

Ephesians 4:26: In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Surely this allows us to be angry.  Yep, if you want to justify your anger.  Have you ever been angry and the object of you anger has no idea?  The only one in prison cell anger is you.

What does Ephesians 4:26 mean then?

• Keep short accounts.

In others words, let it go in your heart even if you cannot meet with the person or contact them.  To sin in your anger would be to allow something to simmer and build up.  It becomes irrational.

Do you ever go to be and you toss and turn because you’re miffed by some injustice against you?  The Bible talks about that too!

Proverbs 4:4: In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

• Resolve it quickly!

There’s no point in dragging things out – deal with it and move on.  It may not be possible to make it right before the sunset with another person, but our hearts can at peace.  And I don’t mean the, “I’m right and they’re wrong,” type of peace!

Wrapping it up:

How do we communicate more effectively with each other and with others outside of the church?

We need to employ a Christian foxtrot:

Slow-slow, quick-quick, slow!

Slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger.

Whenever someone speaks to you just think: slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.