So let’s start this teaching with being Second to One in Our Relationships.
Romans 12: 9-21: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practise hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
These verses if put into practice will make us look gullible to some people.
There are 25 commands (at least) in these twelve verses! We don’t have time to look at them all, so I have chosen three. It would be a great idea to meditate on this passage more in your own devotional time.
Love must be sincere.
Language can tell you a great deal about a culture and that culture’s priorities – the Inuit (Eskimos) are said to have nearly thirty words for “ice” which describe various colours, textures, and uses, among other things.
However, we tend to use the same word to describe many different aspects of another concept: love. We love our mothers, pizza, football, spouses and children, all the time using the same word to describe these relationships!
My wife loves our cat but she also says she loves me!
It’s important to understand which word for love is being used here. There are four greek words used for love, some appear in the Bible, some so not.
- Eros – Eros is obviously the root word for “erotic,” but it does not describe sexual love only, it actually describes all emotional love; the feeling of love.
Eros love is that insatiable desire to be near the target of this love. The exciting, passionate, nervous feelings that sweep over people in the appropriate circumstances. This is the love that says “I love how you make me feel.”
As an emotion, Eros changes, sometimes suddenly. Remember that it is entirely based on circumstances and on the target of its emotion.
As an emotion, alone it is morally neutral, however, it can just as easily lead to lust (sinful desire) as it can passion.
Eros is not a bad thing, but it is also not a “good” thing. The word Eros does not appear in the Bible.
- Philos – Philos love, or brotherly/friendship love, is the next kind. Philos describes the love between two people who have common interests and experiences, or a fondness for.
Unlike Eros, which pulses up and down like waves on the ocean, Philos steadily grows, like a building being constructed stone by stone. For this reason, when close friends are separated for a while and reunited, they will often say “it is like we picked up exactly where we left off.”
Philos is half about the circumstances, and half about the commitment of two people to one another; it says “I love who we are together,” or in case of a non person: “I am fond of this food.”
Philos love generally grows over time except in the case of some kind of betrayal. It is commonly used in the New Testament, as in Matt. 10:37, John 12:25, and Revelation 3:19.
- Storge – We will not spend much time here; storge is the love one has for a dependent. It is commonly called “motherly love.” It is entirely based on the relationship between the “lover” and the “lovee.”
When the dependent is no longer dependent, this love remains only in its emotional remnants. It is one of the stronger loves, because it involves a commitment that relies on only one trait of the receiver – that he or she is dependent.
This type of love is toxic to a marriage under normal circumstances. Marriages that look more like a mother/son or father/daughter relationship is moving quickly downhill.
Although there are example of this love in the Bible the word itself is not used.
- Agapeo – Agape love is the final of the four loves we look at here. Agape love is entirely about the lover, and has nothing whatsoever to do with the one loved.
Agape love, in its purest form, requires no payment or favour in response. The most common word for God’s love for us is Agape (I John, John 3:16).
This lack of input from the recipient makes it possible for us to love our enemies even though we may not like them or the situation they have put us in – because Agape love is not in any way dependent on circumstances; it says “I love you because I choose/commit to.”
In Romans we’re told Love must be sincere.
When we read this we may assume that the word being used here is one for brotherly affection - Philos - because actually it is a love we are to show to one another.
But the words used is Agapeo - Agapeo must be sincere. God’s love must be sincerely shown without favouritism.
We must therefore love all people the same, no matter what they are like, behave or or speak like. Why? Because if we show favouritism in the name of God’s love we are on thin ice!
Jesus gives us an insight:
Matthew 6: 14-15: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
These are tough words but they are words that place us Second to One!
1 John 3:17: If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?
The KJV translates sincere as dissimulation from the greek anupokritos where we get the idea of pretence or an act.
We need to remember that sometimes love is shown by gently pointing out error and not loving, or liking, everything on Facebook! To do otherwise is to be a hypocrite.
I hear a lot going around the Christian church that says, “If a relationship is dependant on you to maintain it, then ditch it.” Or, “If someone seriously wants to be part of your life, they will seriously make and effort to be in it. No reasons. No excuses.”
Our passage doesn’t give us the opportunity to dispose of people that way; these kinds of pithy statements are based on selfishness and people believing that every relationship is for their benefit. For the Christian who is Second to One we understand that our lives are there for the benefit of others, even if there is no thanks!
This last one is a little poster going around Facebook and being reposted by Christians. It’s true that you cannot make people love you or like you. You can’t make someone be involved in your life or take responsibility for their actions. You cannot make anyone change. Jesus does that.
We can keep our hearts pure towards them. We can maintain a forgiving nature that means that we allow them to be able to come back. We can make sure that we are praying for them. We can make sure that we do our best to maintain integrity on our side of the relationship.
Romans 12: 17-19: Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
I guess these are tough words when we have been hurt by people in the past. Sometimes these painful things are situations that seem unreasonable. In the natural perhaps they are.
If we are to live Second to One then we cannot repay evil for evil. We have to do what’s right and, if possible, live at peace with everyone. To do otherwise places yourself in a prison and you will not enjoy the freedom to which you are saved (Galatians 5:1).
I guess we’re all waiting for the “but,” the exceptions to the rule.
“But if you knew what that person has done to me…” we can all fill in the blanks.
The issue here is how we conduct ourselves, not how others conduct themselves.
There may be times when we have to put some distance between us and someone for our emotional well being. However, these should be temporary and should be done with openness and kindness. In the past I had to do this with someone for a time for the health of my family. However I explained why it was happening and that we would start to rebuild a relationship rather than write it it off. That’s tough.
The only time these should not be temporary is in the case of domestic violence/adultery in a marriage - if someone breaks covenant in this way I don’t believe the Lord would have us remain in an abusive relationship (Matt. 19:1-9 cf. 1 Cor. 7:7, 13-15). Yet I even know of people who have overcome these challenges and have built successful marriages, deciding not to take the exit route.
So how do we handle it when someone is taking us for a ride? I mean, does this mean we have “mug’ written on our heads?
14: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse….20-21: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Note a couple of things here:
We have to bless those who persecute us - this means to return their ugliness with kindness.
verses 20-21 give us a way to do this: help them through their tough times. Why? It’ll drive them nuts (21). The idea of burning coals being put on their heads might seem a little tempting! If we help people in the wrong attitude they will know it.
The idea of burning coals means their conscience will be pricked because it’ll be the agape love of God we are showing not some charitable deed.
Note too the text doesn’t say, “give them money.” We get people passing through church all the time who have all sorts of stories about how they have nothing but have managed to lose hundreds of pounds, or how they have no money for food, utilities, clothes etc.
If you feel led to give anything to anyone give them food, water and clothes. That’s why as a church policy we don’t give money to the homeless - give food.
We do this even if we don’t believe their story - helping someone doesn't mean you believe their stories - it does mean we are helping all without favouritism.
We’ll talk more about how to help people financially when we look at money in this series.
One last thing. A little while ago we had a strange conversation with some family members (who are Christians) who had fallen out with another family member (who is not a Christian). They no longer talk and haven't for a number of years. However, they were incensed that Barbie and I are still on good terms with the other person and said to us, “But don’t you know that they are just using you?”
Of course we know this on one level, the person is using us and will potentially dispose of us too at some point.
We also know this: in blessing this person Jesus is using us more than the person is using us.
That’ s not being gullible, that’s being Second to One in the Relationship!
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